Who's Never!

ESPN is getting a lot of flak for a stupid segment called "who's now". It's their way of filling in free time during the down-time in the Sports calendar. MLB is the only major sport on display during summer and it can get boring at time out there. So ESPN has come out with this idea of a 32 athlete bracket which matches sports stars against each other. You got to pick one over the other based on on-field performance and off-field buzz. You get mind bending match-ups like Tiger Woods - V - Matt Leinart and Reggie Bush - V - Danica Patrick! And most fans are watching this and going "what the heck?". For most people, it's one more proof of ESPN taking itself way too seriously. And who better to compere this circus than Stuart Scott? He may soon qualify for the title of the second most ridiculous ESPN personality behind the insufferable Chris Berman. The only thing that could have made this segment any worse is if they had Chris "BackBackBack" Berman running this thing with his contrived nicknames for all the 32 athletes.

Whatever little credibility ESPN had with this thing - which was close to zero anyways, they lost it completely when they trotted out Jessica Beil and Kevin James (the fat guy from "King of Queens"). to vote for round 2. It was a shameless plug for the movie "Chuck and Larry" that I am guessing Disney, which owns ESPN, is involved in some way. Shameless idiocy! I guess I am also a little bored in summer. Actually I don't hate this whole "who's now" segment (or Stuart Scott) as much as some of the other guys. But clearly it has enough stupidity built in to it. First, the name. What the heck is "who's now" ? What does that even supposed to mean? They spend the first 5 minutes every night explaining what the hell it means. Secondly Stu looks like he put the stu in stupid! Finally, don't tell me Jessica Biel and Adam Sandler should be on Sportcenter voting on this thing. Personally, I wouldn't mind if they trot out Ms.Biel for 3 hrs straight everyday on ESPN. That girl is FINE! But not for this reason.

In any case, looking at what's happening in sports this summer and this stupid bit on sportscenter, I thought a more appropriate contest might actually be "who's never". There are so many guys screwing themselves and the sports-world so much, it's hard to even find any positive news about any of the major sports the last month or so. Some of these guys are so over the top with their actions, they may never be worth anything the rest of their careers. So I am calling it "who's never". I don't quite have the time that ESPN has on its hands and I don't take myself as seriously as those guys. So this is a 8 person bracket with the guy who is worse off in his life advancing to the next round of "who's never". All the results are listed below so you don't have to wait.

Round 1
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(1) Michael Vick - The Dog Killer extraordinaire.
V
(8) Tour De France - I don't know any names in this sport, but all of them are tainted.

Winner - Michael Vick. Real brutal stuff from Vick and who cares about cycling anyways?

(2) Tim Donaghy - This 5''8" white guy might bring down the NBA all by himself.
V
(7) Barry Bonds - Tainted home-run chase. 756 never looked this dirty.

Winner - Donaghy in a landslide. NBA will trade it's gambling problems for MLB's Steroids problem in a heart-beat.

(3) Bud Selig - The worst commissioner in all of sports. Has no clue what to do with this whole Bonds thing and is mumbling and stumbling through the chase.
V
(6) David Stern - A lifetime's worth of good work might disappear in a month or two. I am sure he is pissed.

Winner - Bud Selig. David Stern could sell his league for 10 bucks and export it lock, stock and barrel to China tomorrow and will still be a better commish than Selig.

(4) Sergio Garcia - Choked away another golden opportunity to win the big one recently.
V
(5) Kobe Bryant - "Trade me. But don't trade me. I definitely want a trade. Wait, wait. Please keep me in LA".

Winner - Sergio Garcia. Kobe seems flaky, but at least he has a ring or 3 - courtesy of Shaq.

Round 2
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Vick V Sergio Garcia - Vick wins based on his unique brand of cruelty.

Donaghy V Selig - Donaghy advances. Even Selig can't make Donaghy look good.

Finals
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Vick V Donaghy - Tough one. What a finals. Truly a dream match-up! I would say Tim Donaghy wins. His effects could be felt for years to come and he might have set NBA back by 10 years. Also I trust our justice system and Vick's 100 million dollars. He'll probably walk away from this like all rich people do.

Whos Never - Tim Donaghy